PEER REVIEW
Alright roll call, don't respond if you're dead
9.6.25
The Dolls of War spontanious campaign has hit a bit of a snag. For context I am doing a pen and paper campaign of my setting, Dolls of War, with a lab rat, and I've been recording the sessions to both retain information and maybe some down the line edit it to be videos to showcase how an imagined campaign would be. the other day while documenting important events and dialouge, such as when one of the protagonists was interrogating prisoners and brought up the name of her enemy, as well as a creature fortelling an ominious warning, I found out about something horrifying...
TWO OF THE RECORDS DIDN'T PICK UP MY TEST SUBJECT'S VOICE.
ONE OF THEM WAS A VERY VERY IMPORTANT LIFE CHANGING CRITICAL MISSION.
As much as I wanna push forward between that and, given how there's no recordings of the first two sections, it became clear if that if I wanna be serious on both my setting and my campaign, these errors needed to be addressed sooner than later. The great thing about my lab rat is that he LOVES to write which I encourage. This campaign is a borderline co-writing project with the amount of characters he has to juggle and interact with each other. I feel like with 1-2 players it might end up being a very narrative driven game with players playing so many roles. Idealisitcally the maximum should be five characters but it's kinda hard to pull off when the player has full control of the entire PMC facility instead of a squad, which was a gameplay option I wanted as well to be honest so it's not a complaint by all means.
But in the name of preservation and record keeping, have to dedicate the next session towards preserving. It's funny looking back at some of the characters when they first started until now, one of the characters, Cheryl, is completely different when she was created on the spot. She's still a southern bell cowgirl with a wisecracking attitude but early Cheryl was ridiciously over the top. I don't mind either way, I absolutely love seeing characters evolve and change, and there's no better place than it happening in the spotlight.
Still need to write down Lucia's backstory, I claim it to be 'short' but the trend between my friends and my bro is when they say that it's anything but and I'm afraid that I too will fall into that pit. Probs be worth it I legit like Lucia and I need to show her off sooner than later.
Strangely enough someone who I thought would never contact me again contacted me again. We talked, we addressed our issues, and hopefully going forward I hope to be a better friend than I was before. On top of I basically became good buddies with one of my co workers. Legit unsure if they're wanna be buddies or more which I don't mind the affection but I feel like something needs to be addressed sooner than later. Despite that though, something else dawned on me. I've become quite popular 
!! Honestly I don't think I've regularlly kept up with so many people until now. Which brings up an issue that's been an issue in my life: balance. IF. I want to call myself an artist and commit to my projects, I need to find some level of balance between, work, socalizing, and doing my art. I need to find balance in all of it.
I cannot afford to be stagnant. I have friends that are taking their steps in life and I need to do the same. Can't give up.
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MUSIC SUGGESTION
STATUS: Steady, steady...
STEP BY STEP
Gotta Keep Moving
8.30.25
Gonna set up a blog of sorts for to dump all my thoughts in. Well most thoughts but you know what I mean. One of the benefits of being niche and obscure when the algorithmn is not in your favor is you can freely speak more of yourself. Such is the beauty of not having your face plastered with it. I don't really have much to say about this cringe landing so I guess a yearly report of 2025 is in order. At the very beginning of this year, one thing that I wanted, no **NEEDED** to do, is get my art skills back to a somewhat decent existence. Had multiple schedules, a weekly drawpile session with buddies to just draw and chill. Anything. Didn't care what it was, characters, logos, testing tutorials, trying out new methods /anything/, nor did I care for barring stuff like cocks or lewd shenanigans. The point was to DRAW. and I needed to DRAW. Posted that on my socials at the start of the year and like clockwork, only one joined through natual means. Others came though suggestions from both me and others, it's a small group but I'm glad to have people joining me in a weekly schedule. I actually cannot express how much I appreciate them joining in despite repeatly telling them all it's an optional venue.
It was actually through one of these, after the drawpile ended, one of my buds asked me about this setting idea I had, about robot girls and cultists. Honestly despite talking about it to my other buds about it, it was the first time thy wanted to know more. Which I decided to talk about more, about the corpos, hierarhcy, how armies are composed of products from other companies. They wanted to know more about it. And honestly? That feeling excited me enough to start working on it some more, I started drawing diagrams feverishly, about how the hierarchy works, how Models are bout and used, about hostiles, what exactly IS a Model and if humans still existed. My desire to share this world grew into the curent Dolls of War project, a tabletop apocolapyse rebuilding table top. This project was stuck in my head for half a decade, back when it was an idea for an FPS playing as a battle maid that had the option to clean up the level after killing all hostiles.
In addition, another friend who looooves to yap jokingly suggested a situation of what would happen in the game, which I gave an educated response on what happened. Fake dice rolls and imaginary rules lead to a spontanious campaign session on a game I barely, still do, understand. In time, the session got repeated enough to end up being a bi-monthly game session, a playtest despite feeling I was years off, significantly helped what I want the world to be. A chaotic, corrupted, burtal world where your choices are being in the brutal corperate world or find freedom in the harsh wilderness of the outside world. In addition I started doing weekly drawings of more and more models. and the game sessions kept introducing characters, both created by my now test subject as well as my own.
I was finally shaping a world people were interested in. It wanted me to continue working on it more and more. It wasn't just creating it for them, I am, I won't lie that I'm not, but it's also something that I want to make. Something from my hands. It's not all me, I can't thank my friends enough on the ideas they rant and suggest to me, I cannot thank them enough for their support. I hope what I make will be something that would make going into the uncharted unknown world of the Blasted Wastes worth something in the end.
I had to deal with a lot of grief from last year that unfortunately was carried over into this year. I legitimately have never had a 'bad' year in my life, sure some shit may not be in my favor, some life stuff happened but to call an entire year bad from two or three bad incidents when there's like 362 other days felt a bit too much.
but holy shit 2024 was a legitimately the worst year of my goddamn life, and it took a whole lot of while to climb it back up. A brutal and unforgiving job what basically removed myself from almost all my friend circles for that year, a friend passing which to this day I took for granted and thought there would be time to know them better, double heartbreaks from the same person who was oblivious to how I felt and basically had to see them happy with someone so openly and unapologetically, it was suffocating and I was in agony. That years christmas did not help because I had to basically record my sibling proposing marriage to their fiancé. Had to edit a story where the girl finally got her boy.
Legitimately one of the worst years of my goddamn fucking life. Had to, no, have to keep moving despite all that. Tho half the reason 2024 was so misrable bled into 2025, and I legitmately didn't know how to solve that other than time. Thinking that time will heal. But, I can only do so much. It needed to be adressed somehow. The more we communicated, the more venom I grew talking to them. It needed to be addressed or else that venom would turn out to flat out hatred.
I guess all it took was an 18 wheeler driving on the wrong side of a single lane road for me to confront to them. I was genuinely afriad of the confrontation. It needed to be done yes, but I was afraid of the answers. they always had memory problems and I just was. Deathly afraid, of everything we had up to that time they just. Simply forgotten. Wanting nothing more to be with them but couldn't because of work, just simply drifted us away, and combinded with forgetting things, just ultimately fogotten about me. It just felt fake, like putting in the most minimum of effort, a simple shitpost to me and boom, that's the Rotlich intaction of the day time to get filthy with the girlfriend.
Their response, was to my surprise, defeat and regret. Defeat in admitting that they were wrong and the certain things that they did with me were, in their own words, meant nothing to them, despite meaning everything to me. which they both admitted that admitted to that sounded evil, and admitted that they were a bad person for doing that, and told me that they have been in my place before, in detail, never wished this tragedy on me, and there was nothing on their end that they can do fix this.
What I really wanted more than anything was just awknowlgement. Awknowledge that I existed, awknowledge that they hurted me despite touting being best friends, awknowledge they ultimately made me suffer, knowingly, for so long, and not doing a damn thing about it. That's what hurted me most above everything, not the fact that they went something after they loved, not the fact that they and I will never be a thing, what hurted most was just letting me suffer. By all accounts, friends, familiy, even at the suggestion to they themselves, to cut off and block.
Ultimately. I couldn't. I can't. How could I? They hurted me more than my ex ever did. I suffered. I spent months crying in my bed when I was suppsoed to look for a job. They got to be happy and flaunt it on my face on the daily. It took multiple people, even my old man who didn't know I was bisexual until he noticed my grieving, to help me keep myself sane. Dead to rights I had Quetzalcoatl's fury backing me up. I still didn't. I still don't believe blocking, running away, hiding, like I did with my ex, would solve anything. What would it solve exactly? My feelings, that satisfaction of justification? Even being drifted apart, even if their focus went to everyone else, even if I was not important enough after three and a half years of fooling around not to talk to me about them moving forward with a girlfriend, they were honestly one of the very few people that ever came close to know who the 'real' me was. Maybe one day, they could still can, without our minds fogged with sex in the brain.
I decided to go square one with Heartbreaker, and just go from there. And whatever happens, happens. My future is not with them. The past has fond memories, but that's what they are now. Don't get me wrong, what they done not only was unforgiveable, as in I will never actually going to forgive them for what they put me through, regardlessly of knowingly or not, I'm not going to burn that bridge. I will do vent shit to cool off, but I don't just wanna cut them out like how it felt like they were doing to me. They're going to have to live with it. It's unforgivable in a personal 'you actually probably changed some level of my personality permantely' level not so much as a, you know, actual evil crime unforgivable. Perferably neither, but I can work with the former in some level. As I said, square one after all.
That's all I gotta say on that topic. I do have a disclaimer, to anyone reading this. I deliberately not use heartbreaker's name for a reason. It may not be so subtle if/when I start drawing my frustrations that being said, that cannot be helped and I'm not going to filter myself, I'm a person I have a heart I have feelings period. That being said I will NOT tolerate anything thrown at them. This is NOT a callout post. This matter is between me and them, no one elses. I want them to be HAPPY as they want ME to be HAPPY as well, and it's for me to determine if that statement is true or not not yours. This is for getting to know me my thoughts, what I've gone through, and what I look to in the future. It's unfortunate that the start of this blog, and half of said blog, is dedicated to this, but I'm not going to put on a mask and say everythings okay. Not anymore.
If you think I'm weak still keeping contact and talking to them, I've blocked people for way less and extremely petty reasons. Heartbreaker's arm is mine to twist not yours. The arm is also most definately their girlfriend too, but that's a given anyway, that's between them not my business. Which by the way, save for the relevant one, I'm not going to draw any of their characters they used for their erotic roleplays all that being said, I have standards for Quetz' sake. So, probably, none of their characters. (don't correct me I know you're reading this I don't give a shit.)
It's. It's not all down on the dumps for me. Despite, you know, the point of this blog to be open to myself (and boy hody one hell of a first blogpost), I do look forward towards the future. Other bonds to strengthen, other things I want to say, but not ready yet. Dolls of War is something I may or may not commit my life to, shakey on only how long it'll take to actually GET the rule book done. I just gotta keep moving forward. I can't promise this blog will turn into anything else but ranting and venting, only that I'll make an attempt NOT to be it moving forward.
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MUSIC SUGGESTION
STATUS: Foolishly optmistic